10 Steps to Make the Collaborative Process Work

1. Be Patient.

You didn't generate conflict in a session or two. It's very doubtful you'll resolve it in a session or two.

2. Focus on the Future.

The past can inform us but shouldn't control us. You can nurture the hurts of the past or you can create a brighter, more peaceful future.

3. Acknowledge that the Other Side Has a Point.

It's rare that any of us are right 100% of the time. When hurt and anger are most intense, we are less likely to see the full picture. Remain open to understanding the other's perspective.

4. Recognize that Win-Win is Possible.

If you're willing to do the work, you will find your way to it.

5. Understand that Win-Win is Preferable.

The only way you win is if the other side feels good too. Five years from now you want to look back and know that you dealt honorably with yourself AND your former spouse/co-parent.

6. Take tools from Your Collaborative Sessions to Use in the Future.

If you have children, you'll likely be grandparents someday and might encounter each other at the nursery. Be open to new tools for communicating more productively so that your conflict isn't carried on down through the ages.

7. Be Prepared.

If there are documents you need to gather before the next session, gather them. Analyze options and develop alternatives with your Collaborative Practiceyer with an open mind.

8. Educate Yourself.

They don't teach surviving divorce in school. There are good divorces and bad divorces. Yours can be one of the good ones if you take the time to learn from those who've gone before you. Read any of the excellent books available (Rebuilding by Bruce Fisher, Crazy Time by Abigail Trafford, and The Divorce Mediation Handbook by Paula James to name just a few).

9. Work through www.UptoParents.org if you Have Children.

This website won an American Bar Association award because it does a phenomenal job of helping parents remain focused on their most important asset: their children.

10. Understand that Even The Very Best Settlement
Won't Make You Ecstatic.

It's tough to split assets. It's hard to identify times you won't be with your children. It's a financial strain to support two homes on what used to support one. So don't look for the resolution that's going to make you ecstatic. Be realistic.